“You’re always haunted by the idea you’re wasting your life.”

"Graffiti Dreams"
Dazed & Confused // December 2011 Anniversary Issue
Ph. Rankin // Stylist: Katie Shillingford

I feel I am wasting my time compared to my fellow peers. I had a relapse at the start of the term and had to drop 2 of the 3 courses I was taking. Now I am down to one course and I have missed 3 weeks of classes since my sleeping pattern is completely reversed. I'm a bit defeated for I have far too much free time and no one to spend time with. I'm checking emails, bloglovin', facebook and tumblr all the time and even jumped into the twitter foray. I have a short attention span and I'm avoiding writing the 3 papers I owe this course (it's two terms) I can text friends who are busy with either school or work but I have neither of these things going for me. 

I've started a photoshop course but it is only 5 classes so perhaps I'm learning some sort of useful skill. Other than that I have very little going on in my life which is disappointing. 

I'm very disappointed in myself for breaking down during the term forcing me to withdraw from courses. I've been at university for 3 years and I've only managed to complete three courses. That means I've been a first year for three years and this September it will be for the fourth year because I require 30 credits in order for second year status.

I'm trying to stay away from tumblr and bloglovin' and get away from all this fashion frivolity that has become the huge distraction from facing some responsibilities. But I feel so utterly directionless and lost. 

Aaah these excuses and past disappointments do more to stop me than anything else. When I cannot fall asleep at night I'm gripped with the fear that my transcript must be a nightmare. Multiple fails and withdrawals and three years with only three courses completed cannot look good if I intend to continue onto graduate school. I hate myself for not even being able to attend one class and I feel it is very disrespectful to my professor who has been so kind and understanding. 

Instead I am left to wander the streets of downtown looking at frivolous things like clothing but being broke I cannot buy anything and I feel so empty. What is the purpose of owning a nicely curated closet if there is no place to wear it to? What is the purpose of reading countless articles if there is no one to discuss it with?

As much as I do like spending time to myself, when you are alone for so many days, it is not healthy. I know I must start exercising but...excuses. 

It is a weariness that keeps me at a standstill.