“You’re always haunted by the idea you’re wasting your life.”

"Graffiti Dreams"
Dazed & Confused // December 2011 Anniversary Issue
Ph. Rankin // Stylist: Katie Shillingford

I feel I am wasting my time compared to my fellow peers. I had a relapse at the start of the term and had to drop 2 of the 3 courses I was taking. Now I am down to one course and I have missed 3 weeks of classes since my sleeping pattern is completely reversed. I'm a bit defeated for I have far too much free time and no one to spend time with. I'm checking emails, bloglovin', facebook and tumblr all the time and even jumped into the twitter foray. I have a short attention span and I'm avoiding writing the 3 papers I owe this course (it's two terms) I can text friends who are busy with either school or work but I have neither of these things going for me. 
I've started a photoshop course but it is only 5 classes so perhaps I'm learning some sort of useful skill. Other than that I have very little going on in my life which is disappointing. 

I'm very disappointed in myself for breaking down during the term forcing me to withdraw from courses. I've been at university for 3 years and I've only managed to complete three courses. That means I've been a first year for three years and this September it will be for the fourth year because I require 30 credits in order for second year status.

I'm trying to stay away from tumblr and bloglovin' and get away from all this fashion frivolity that has become the huge distraction from facing some responsibilities. But I feel so utterly directionless and lost. 

Aaah these excuses and past disappointments do more to stop me than anything else. When I cannot fall asleep at night I'm gripped with the fear that my transcript must be a nightmare. Multiple fails and withdrawals and three years with only three courses completed cannot look good if I intend to continue onto graduate school. I hate myself for not even being able to attend one class and I feel it is very disrespectful to my professor who has been so kind and understanding. 

Instead I am left to wander the streets of downtown looking at frivolous things like clothing but being broke I cannot buy anything and I feel so empty. What is the purpose of owning a nicely curated closet if there is no place to wear it to? What is the purpose of reading countless articles if there is no one to discuss it with?

As much as I do like spending time to myself, when you are alone for so many days, it is not healthy. I know I must start exercising but...excuses. 

It is a weariness that keeps me at a standstill.


Anonymous said...

Wow this I can relate to this blog a lot. If only she was alive today maybe we could have talked about some stuff. RIP

Anonymous said...

I agree. I'm experiencing this again for the fifth time. And knowing that she was once alive makes me feel 10x worse.

Anonymous said...

Judging by these blog posts, I believe she took her own life. She didn't take her meds that night thus had a psychotic episode. Her behaviour in the elevator looked like she was in a cognitive dissonance of whether or not she should take her own life. And sadly she did because she perceived death as a better choice than a lonely life not doing well enough in school and had no one to talk to during her depression spells.

Anonymous said...

This story has way too many inconsistencies and unexplained happenings to be a suicide. There is no way! If you loom at the fact that the water tank was on a secured and alarmed ceiling alone..that's enough to warrant incredible suspicion. I pray for justice for her.

Anonymous said...

why she choose cecil hotel, she had planned it

Anonymous said...

I cry and pray for this young woman's soul. I wish I had known this person so I may have been able to speak to her about these things. I've been suicidal before, and I even attempted suicide once.I know the pressures of school and what psychological faults can do to a person. But I can only imagine how another person must have felt confronting all of these things on their own. With no one to talk to and seeming to have given up on life all together. I don't know whether she took her own life or not, but I'll weep for her.

Anonymous said...

But it was easy to get to the roof via the fire escape, as shown by the Chinese investigators. And the lid for the cistern was not heavy at all, approximately 20 lbs, plus it was hinged, making it easy to open it. The maintenance worker testified he found it open. If she was murdered I imagine the killer(s) would close the lid.

Anonymous said...

One thing I was wrong about- that particular cistern had a fully removable lid, one or two of the others had hinged lids. And as I said, the maintenance worker who found her testified that he found it open ie. completely removed. If someone had killed her they would almost definitely close the lid.

Anonymous said...

There's no way this was a suicide. People go to a hotels for as a form of accommodation. Even if I wanted to commit suicide think of going to a water tank. Can be affordable but unimaginable.

EarthmA said...

This isn't what I've heard. I've seen footage of high tanks and statements that the lid was on. Needing a ladder to climb. I've seen footage where they had to cut a square hole in the side of the tank to remove her body ..

Anonymous said...

Hi everyone. I do not know what she's going through but; if you experience this stuff please ask for help from family or professionals. You don't want to stop your life before its begun. She can't have kids, get married, get an awesome job, become wealthy or anything everyone wants. She could've been able to, if she was alive. I can't imagine going through that. It must be awful..... I just want to say to you Elisa lam,

You are loved and remembered by all. Xxx from - TheGirlThatCares.

Anonymous said...

What happened Elise? You are loved and wanted <3

Anonymous said...

Accident, plain and simple...

Charles said...

I would give anything to have been with you during this time Elisa. All my love.

bill224 davis said...

I don't think it's possible for her to suicide in that way. the hotel declared w/o key, no way to enter or alarm would be heard and outside fire escape stair didn't high enough to the roof(especially in her situation I don't think she can). if police can tell more details such as when did she went to 14th floor, which floor her last room is, with or w/o toilet, that could explain why she pressed those buttons. certainly the hotel employees may forget locked the door if the escape door both not auto locked but they can't admit or they are responsible. if it is/were the case then people live there could tell. And where they put the stair to climb water tank? she lost her cell phone, w/o flash light I don't think she can do it. she didn't plan to suicide or the police/employees can prove she more than once went to 14th floor, and still bought a gift for her family. if only she could tell more about how she found her cell phone lost, could some one stole from her room or she lost while went out such as to buy a gift? who she called during the trip? I don't think we could know more. the less informations we get the less pressure for police dept. especially those "invisible".

Anonymous said...

I feel like I'm wasting my life's like everyone is going forward and I'm just stuck. Everyone seems to have their life figured out...I've been taken out of track so many times and now I don't know how to go back,or if I even want to.

N said...

One of the most mysterious cases in recent history, the more you look into it the more connections you find.

Anonymous said...

You're at peace now.

Rest well ...

Anonymous said...

I feel funny to say this. I know you'll never read or even reply.

Really really sorry to say this.

Everytime I feel sad or depressed, I always open this blog.

I feel better reading your words. I feel like I'm not the most unlucky person anymore. I'm not feeling worthless.

Sorry. And thank you

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Different dog.

Slaviano said...

I feel same thoughts, but they never got answered.
All in all, life ends one day and nothing worries anymore.

So curious... This blog perhaps still saving many peoples lives despite its owner is not with us and passed away... Thank you for that, etherfield. RIP.

Ess said...