this is a lazy post

Things are going fairly well in that I am leaving the house and got myself a part time job. My room is still a mess. I haven't actually done any school work and I berate myself for being such a lazy person.
 Ah yes laziness.

 If I weren't so lazy I would exercise.

I believe the biggest reason why I got depressed was because I stopped running in my last year of high school. Up until that point I was on the cross country and track and field team. Mind you I wasn't very good runner, but I did it. I lacked the discipline to actually train. And now I am still lacking the discipline to run or do any sport of sort.

 I make up excuses. Right now the excuse is "It's too cold outside." Fair enough, I could however go to a gym. Then the excuse is "I'm self-concious and I have no idea how to weight lift."

 I am not terribly self conscious of my body. I've accepted it's simply the way I am. However I am terribly self conscious of my legs. I find them disproportional to the rest of my body making me look chunkier than I am. And no matter how much I exercised, they never became any leaner. If I am not too careful, I fall into the trap of cankles.

 I'm sick of the cold weather and wish for warmer weather. Warmer weather meaning dresses. Oh wait, no I don't like dresses because that means exposing my legs.


 But this cold in mid March makes me eat so horribly. I have been living off of junk food and if I weren't so lazy I would actually go try to learn how to feed myself.

And if I weren't so lazy I would go learn how to do coding or whatnot. I'm falling into a pattern of going on tumblr and it's not giving me any joy actually. It's just something to do. Idling by.

Edita Vilkeviciute by Lachlan Bailey for Vogue Paris April 2012


Jared Connell said...

poor girl, i wish she had not fallen to such sad demise.

güneş yörük said...

Hey Elisa, this is like, the third time I'm trying to talk to you, but screw technology, right?
Basically to sum up my thoughts, you are a beautiful soul, and I know you still exist, like all "dead" people do. Um, yeah I feel uneasy right now, so uh, have fun out there, peace!

yağmur öztan said...

Olumunun ardinda cinayet oldugunu dusunuyorum. Sen?

Anonymous said...

Your legs look great to me -

Justice Lapsley said...

Never dead but not present. My sincere condolences to yourself and your family. I hope this statement does not offend

Karen P. said...

Bless your beautiful heart and everlasting bright soul.

AWOL said...

You sound like me, when I was your age. I love writing, too. It keeps us alive doesn’t it? It’s so crazy we can spend years obsessing over and hating a body part, when we are so intelligent, curious, loving, and lovable. Why do we torture ourselves in this way? Why do we look for reassurance from others? I know you were learning, and you were seeing the light. It sounds to me, despite your pain, you were hopeful... an optimist somewhere deep inside. I don’t believe you took your own life. I wish we all knew the truth. I have a theory. It’s as crazy as your death. I wish i knew more about you.

Anonymous said...