tumblr

I am much more active on tumblr 
This is going to stay as a reminder of what I was thinking.

Bests,
L.L.

Worries of a twenty something

I spent about two days in bed hating myself.

this is a lazy post

Things are going fairly well in that I am leaving the house and got myself a part time job. My room is still a mess. I haven't actually done any school work and I berate myself for being such a lazy person.
 Ah yes laziness.

 If I weren't so lazy I would exercise.

I believe the biggest reason why I got depressed was because I stopped running in my last year of high school. Up until that point I was on the cross country and track and field team. Mind you I wasn't very good runner, but I did it. I lacked the discipline to actually train. And now I am still lacking the discipline to run or do any sport of sort.

 I make up excuses. Right now the excuse is "It's too cold outside." Fair enough, I could however go to a gym. Then the excuse is "I'm self-concious and I have no idea how to weight lift."

 I am not terribly self conscious of my body. I've accepted it's simply the way I am. However I am terribly self conscious of my legs. I find them disproportional to the rest of my body making me look chunkier than I am. And no matter how much I exercised, they never became any leaner. If I am not too careful, I fall into the trap of cankles.

 I'm sick of the cold weather and wish for warmer weather. Warmer weather meaning dresses. Oh wait, no I don't like dresses because that means exposing my legs.

Right.

 But this cold in mid March makes me eat so horribly. I have been living off of junk food and if I weren't so lazy I would actually go try to learn how to feed myself.

And if I weren't so lazy I would go learn how to do something.....like coding or whatnot. I'm falling into a pattern of going on tumblr and it's not giving me any joy actually. It's just something to do. Idling by.

Blah

Edita Vilkeviciute by Lachlan Bailey for Vogue Paris April 2012

“You’re always haunted by the idea you’re wasting your life.”

"Graffiti Dreams"
Dazed & Confused // December 2011 Anniversary Issue
Ph. Rankin // Stylist: Katie Shillingford

I feel I am wasting my time compared to my fellow peers. I had a relapse at the start of the term and had to drop 2 of the 3 courses I was taking. Now I am down to one course and I have missed 3 weeks of classes since my sleeping pattern is completely reversed. I'm a bit defeated for I have far too much free time and no one to spend time with. I'm checking emails, bloglovin', facebook and tumblr all the time and even jumped into the twitter foray. I have a short attention span and I'm avoiding writing the 3 papers I owe this course (it's two terms) I can text friends who are busy with either school or work but I have neither of these things going for me. 

I've started a photoshop course but it is only 5 classes so perhaps I'm learning some sort of useful skill. Other than that I have very little going on in my life which is disappointing. 

I'm very disappointed in myself for breaking down during the term forcing me to withdraw from courses. I've been at university for 3 years and I've only managed to complete three courses. That means I've been a first year for three years and this September it will be for the fourth year because I require 30 credits in order for second year status.

I'm trying to stay away from tumblr and bloglovin' and get away from all this fashion frivolity that has become the huge distraction from facing some responsibilities. But I feel so utterly directionless and lost. 

Aaah these excuses and past disappointments do more to stop me than anything else. When I cannot fall asleep at night I'm gripped with the fear that my transcript must be a nightmare. Multiple fails and withdrawals and three years with only three courses completed cannot look good if I intend to continue onto graduate school. I hate myself for not even being able to attend one class and I feel it is very disrespectful to my professor who has been so kind and understanding. 

Instead I am left to wander the streets of downtown looking at frivolous things like clothing but being broke I cannot buy anything and I feel so empty. What is the purpose of owning a nicely curated closet if there is no place to wear it to? What is the purpose of reading countless articles if there is no one to discuss it with?

As much as I do like spending time to myself, when you are alone for so many days, it is not healthy. I know I must start exercising but...excuses. 

It is a weariness that keeps me at a standstill.