Monday

expecto patronum

Depression sucks.

I have no control over my emotions. I will be angry for two minutes and then sad again. I will be happy for half an hour and then emotional again.

So far all I've done is lay on my bed and watch episodes of Chopped.


I'm just waiting for it to pass.



I haven't felt "fine" in over 3 years. This relapse makes me feel as though I haven't made any progress at all.

I'm not sure why I'm being so candid about my depression but I suppose if someone else who has depression reads this, we can feel less alone. I have been only told a few people. Unfortunately in the last 3 weeks most of these persons have disappointed me.

I have severe trust issues I think. Nobody is infallible. I thought I chose friends carefully but turns out not really.

But really my behaviour is pathetic. Reading about Daul Kim. Listening to MCR. It is as though I'm imitating myself from 2007. Next I'll be wearing studs and guitar earrings.

I just wish...someone around me could understand what it really means to be depressed.

You know the internet is where people express themselves. But everyone complains. So when there is a serious complaint, a serious plea for help, for sympathy, it goes unnoticed. Most people just dismiss it as a plea for attention. We aren't heartless, it's just so many have grown immune and de-sensitized. I'm desensitized from reading things like this  being told over and over again.

Just so much pain.

It's pretty bad this relapse though. Tumblr and Colbert aren't helping and I always thought they would remind me this world is capable of greatness.
Nope.
Still numb.



29 comments:

Jenny said...

I'm so sorry you felt so alone and disappointed. I pray for you to be at peace.

Anonymous said...

I'm the same way you're not alone. It's hard for me just to wake up in the morning.

Anonymous said...

I'm a 36 year old male and I'm in the same state of mind. I wasn't always that ways, but, years of being beaten down emotionally has taken an extreme toll and if it weren't for my children I would never get out of bed either.. The worst part for me is that I constantly think that no one will like me or accept who I am or I'll think I can't get involved because I can't afford to be hurt emotionally again. But, if I don't take a chance I'll never feel happy again.. It's a never ending cycle that's hard to break and feeling alone is the absolute worse feeling ever.

Jared Connell said...

you were not alone and you are not forgotten, elisa.

Anonymous said...

RIP Elisa

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way. R.I.P. Elisa we still remember you. :( Hope more details are found in your case because the whole thing is just really mysterious.

Anonymous said...

It's difficult to read all of her posts because she reminds me so much of myself. Will I end up dead in a few years, never to accomplish anything I truly wanted?

Alek White said...

Please don't die. the world is not all bad as it seems. There are still people out there who care. I care. you can accomplish anything you desire this may sound crazy but i believe in you. if you ever want to talk about anything you have on your mind please feel free to email mE.

Priya Balaraj said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Priya Balaraj said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

^ comments removed by the "author". thats interesting

Anonymous said...

Not the author of the blog but the author of the comment.

Anonymous said...

RIP you beautiful creature of God.

Anonymous said...

Rip this is a conspiracy and forever on my mind this case, thinking of the family.

noodle said...

Hello there Elisa... i have go through all your social media , scroll until the bottom end, see your instagram pictures and read your tweets... so sad to say this but you are my reflection. We're the same age if only you were still here(how i wish). we're in the same stage of depression, same situation even. i dont have friends too in real life,Elisa. Im a hermit too, since i avoid human interaction in real life most of the time and i make friends mostly from internet like tumblr and twitter. Im a tumblr kid too, glad we're the same in this ^_^ i like to write my thoughts there, just like you. Rant about how hard life is. And how sad i am. And im hiding my tumblr too from people i know,i dont want them to pitty me and find me that pathetic. They must think "lol, get a life,go to parties, make friends, have fun" but just like what you said, its not how depression works. It might be easy for them but its so hard and almost impossible for us. i used to have small circle of friendship in real life with some people but they turned out disappointed me, just like what your friends have done to you too. And i dont know since when i choose not to trust in anyone again and prefer internet friendship. you know, im at that point where im no longer feel embarassed when my sister or parents say "dont you have friends?" I'll immediately answer i dont have any. My only friend right now(i think at least since i graduated from college a year ago) is my boyfriend. He's the only real human i interract with beside my family. And he's not always there too, so its not a big help to even have him because he is a 'normal' person who have many friends, 'life', and not to mention he's loved by many people. Its weird to have a strange feeling to ur own boyfriend but it happens to me sometimes. However, even to a person who very close to me,i feel far behind and left out. it is very heartwarming to read all your writing because i do feel less alone and i even feel familiar with all the words, the atmosphere, Even the sadness and the joy you've shared on your writing. But its sad that you're not here anymore... to know that you were all alone to go through this is killing me.. i would like to be ur best friend, but our path didnt cross earlier. im so drown to you,Elisa.. wish you would know that. And i wish in another life we can meet and be friends. Someday in another life, we wont feel this way anymore, no heartache, no pain, no loneliness, we will be mates and i promise i will never forget you until then.
With love, Anja

Im sorry for my bad english(for everyone here who might read it), warmest hug from indonesia ^^

Kierstan Wheeler said...

She is died people
Someone killed her and took her phone so just get over it (i think someone killed her because she couldn't open the water tank metal door and one person alone couldnt so the person that wrote this post is not her it is the person that killed her.
If she was dead when found someone put her in the water tank of not someone drowned her so just please don't say that it is her)

thank you

Anonymous said...

This post was written in 2011, so it was written by her and not some strange unknown "killer".

krista grym said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
krista grym said...

It breaks my heart read all your comments, I've suffered depression and bipolar disorder and I know how Elisa feel and how you feel all, you are not alone and ask for help , express yourself , find help, do something to get away from this monster called depression, it's possible, I swear

We don't forget u Elisa

Unknown said...

She died in 2013

Harley Dyer said...

I do not know you and I found your video by chance, I then found your blogger via Wikipedia, as I read through your posts I see the pain you had been through, you were really struggling to hold on and I know how much it hurts, I wish I had been there but unfortunately at the time I was in a youth center and I did not know you, I hope you have found your peace.

Caitlin said...

RIP, i know what its like to feel so hopeless, if only you could have gotten through it, i hope you have peace of mind nwo.

Anonymous said...

Im sorry but is this girl retarded??? Not elisa the comment above...

Anonymous said...

Elisa, I never knew you, but I feel a kinship to you reading your posts. The world lost you too soon. It feels voyeuristic and inappropriate to read these posts, but I can only hope they stand as a memorial to who you were in life, and the terrible reality of depression and mental imbalance.

And in the case that Elisa's parents or friends still monitor this, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the morbid interest of the Internet community. I am sorry that I came looking for more, looking for Elisa's mind on display. I wish I had known her, because she seemed very genuine, which is rare to find.

I hope you find your peace. And I hope she found hers. Just know that despite the inappropriate curiosity, she can be seen as she was in her writings.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Just heard about this story Monday. Rest in peace, beauty. May your death no longer be a mystery.

Anonymous said...

The image is now missing but can be viewed here-
http://elisafields.blogspot.com/2016/03/depression-sucks.html

Graham Oakman said...

You got to read this content on phone monitoring software, it will blow your mind!

Anonymous said...


The mystery continues ....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pt8lhNNk9So

Unknown said...

Rest in peace elisa lam :(